Thursday, December 31, 2009

3 Months Post-Op

So here we are, New Year's Eve 2009 - 3 months and a week post-surgery. A couple of weeks ago I went in to Toronto to see the Doc and check out a, shall we say, "raised" area just above and to the right of my new belly button. It felt as if I had a tennis ball-sized bit of swollen tissue most of the time - worse after I'd eaten. My next appointment wasn't to be until February, but this new appearance of a post-op reaction made me feel a little squiffy, so I drove into the big city to check it out. The Doc was not in the least bit worried about this area, told me that parts of my stomach might just be healing at different rates. After my appointment I realized that the this area seems to be more prominent after I've eaten. So whatever swollen tissue that I do have is pressed to the surface when my stomach is full. The area is either not as noticeable or I've gotten used to it in the past couple of weeks.

Since the surgery, I seem to get full faster. This may well be because my muscles provide a tighter cage around my stomach. I'm trying my best to listen to my body when it's full - relearn that instinct that seems so natural in children. It's astounding to me that my 9 year old daughter can have a half-eaten piece of chocolate cake in front of her and leave it because she's full. It may be that my childhood of "Finish what's on your plate, or you won't have dessert," has wrecked havoc with my body's signals. Mindful eating is discovering a new country and I'm bound and determined to speak its language.

This morning I have a little twitch on my left eye. Usually this sort of thing occurs when I'm stressing out about something, but as I'm on Christmas holidays I can't imagine what I might be stressed about. My most stressful moments lately have been waking up to take out the dog that we're baby-sitting. This dog is used to getting up at 4:00 a.m., so David and I are taking turns letting her out for a pee. I can really sleep through almost anything, so David has to nudge me and convince me to leave the snuggly duvet warmth of our bed. Before having kids, I was a very light sleeper. Now unless Rissa is calling for "Mummy" specifically in the middle of the night, I can tune out. That's not to say that I don't carry a pair of earplugs with me when I travel - different noises in someone else's house can distract me at 2:00 a.m., but at home David marvels at my ability to zonk.

Reflecting upon this last year and on my decision for surgery is natural today. One of my most freeing moments of 2009 was playing a pregnant woman in the musical Hair. It was the first time onstage that I wasn't worried about how I looked. Being "pregnant," wearing a 1960s flower-child dress over a padded tummy was wonderful. I didn't worry about my posture, didn't worry about people assuming I was pregnant, because I was supposed to be pregnant - I look at photos from the show and I like them. Do you know how rare it is for a woman to like photos of herself? We're constantly microanalysing our appearance - seeing extra weight where there really isn't any, our hair was too flat or too poofy, the angle of the camera showed extra skin under our chin, agonizing over a skirt that now looks too short... I don't think that men can imagine the psychological freedom that comes with photos that you LIKE looking at.

There is freedom now as a result of the tummy tuck. I thought that I'd spend time marvelling at my new physique in the mirror, but that's not the case. Maybe at the one year mark, when the scar isn't so prominent, but certainly not right now. The extra tissue and skin that once graced my abdomen no longer concerns me - it's not a constant reminder that I gained too much weight with my pregnancies, that I should have worked harder to tone after the first baby, that I shouldn't have eaten ice cream every day that summer when I was 11... Not having it there allows me to focus on other things. I used to sit on the couch to read or watch t.v. and some elemental part of my mind was focusing on my stomach. Wearing clothes that were tight enough to show off the stomach had me reaching for the afghan to camouflage the area, but even with it camouflaged, my mind knew it was still there.

I was embarrassed to have David touch it, even brush against that area of squooshy cottage cheesiness. I've been a woman who has sucked in my entire adult life. I don't remember ever NOT sucking in. When I was in my early 20s and at a fit weight for me (around the 150 lb mark) I worried about sitting on someone's lap because I was too heavy. I look at pictures now of me from that decade in my life and I know that even then, I was dissatisfied with my appearance. Now when I look at those photos I see this fit, albeit busty gal who had collar bones and cheekbones and nothing to apologize for. Since the surgery, since I haven't had to worry about wearing the industrial strength binder, I haven't been fixated on how big I am, what my silhouette looks like. I'm NOT thinking about it. I don't shift David's hand now if it rests on my abdomen. I don't cringe at the way I look in a pair of panties. This surgery has released me from that - it's been a gift. (Well after those first 2 weeks - those first 2 weeks were REALLY, REALLY bad - don't ever forget the first 2 weeks!) This is a gift that my Gran gave me. Thank you Gran.

I lost a dear friend this year. My friend Shannon died from complications due to leukemia on April 9th. She was 41 years old. She was the godmother to Rissa, she gave me strength, made me a better writer, actor and, more importantly, person. Through this whole process of surgery and recovery I keep wanting to tell her things, talk details through with her like I always did. Sometimes I still do and I can almost, but not quite, hear her voice in my head in response. Shannon would have revelled in the freedom that I have gained after this surgery - she would glory in my new-found ability to love my body. She was never a petty or jealous person and she would be genuinely happy for me. She would give me one of her great Shan hugs and hold me and be proud of me for deciding to make this change - and so thrilled that the choice was eventually the right one for me. Love you Shan.

Happy New Year everyone! I'm 41 years old and I made a decision that changed my life this year. I'm a new person. And you know what's funny? I had thought that the doctor removed 3 lbs of tissue from my tummy and it turns out that that extra weight hadn't been on my tummy at all - it had been on my shoulders. I had carried around that extra skin not just in a physical sense, but emotionally for years and now... it's gone. My challenge now and for the rest of my life will be to love and accept myself. Physicality is just one aspect of life - but it reflects upon so many other things. And if I can embrace this physical aspect of myself, which just houses the rest of my being, I can surely embrace all my other potential, in writing and performing and trying to live my life the way that Shannon did. I made this change. Me. It was tough and costly - not just in a financial sense - but I'm happy with my choice.

Cheers!
Heather